He has turned my mourning into joy
A moment of transparency:
Shortly after moving to Lansing, I spiraled into a depression that I was really struggling to get out of. I was extremely lonely here without my friends and family, I was still processing and grieving some events that took place before we moved, I was going through some health issues that were not being resolved and, to be completely honest, I was struggling to feel comfortable in and enjoy our new church.
After a couple of years of trying to power through it in my own strength and realizing I was failing miserably (I pretty much became a hermit who never left the house, I was putting on weight, and I felt myself going numb to things that I once was passionate about), Anthony & I decided that we needed to take action. I started going to counseling which helped with being able to process some things out loud in a safe place when I didn't really feel like I had a safe place here (outside of Anthony) and it forced me to look at myself and make critical judgements about my own behavior and attitude. But I was still just feeling stuck and sad and unmotivated. It was like I was in quicksand. My goal was to exhaust all of my non-medicinal options first before going on prescription. I knew, in my spirit, that I needed to release some things to God and I knew I needed to do it loudly, often, and in a place where I felt safe to do so.
So, my car became my safe haven. I would put on worship music and drive around extra on my way home, sit in the driveway after I'd gotten home, and constantly have it on everywhere I went. This spontaneous worship song by Jenn Johnson from Bethel Music (below), was probably the one I would play the most often, on repeat, and I would just let myself scream, sob, pray and sing in the Spirit, and sing to my Father over and over again - claiming the promises that Jenn is prophetically singing - that the joy of the Lord IS my strength and that He WILL turn my mourning into joy and He WILL break my depression... and I would always end it by thanking Him in advance for pulling me out of the pit.
Well, I can tell you with joy in my heart that something has shifted inside of me. Yes, I'm still pregnant and sick and tired, but deep in my heart and in my soul, a weight has been lifted and the cloud I felt over my head for the past four years is gone.... and I AM SO EXCITED for what's to come.
Thank you, Lord, for hearing my cry! Thank you for music! Thank you for this prophetic moment that was able to be captured so that I could experience it from across the country. Thank you for your unwavering love for me. THANK YOU FOR WALKING ME THROUGH THE VALLEY. I love you, Lord! My praise is Yours!